Dear Cebelihle Mbuyisa (Hastily handwritten)
We regret to inform you that you have not been selected to form part of the Tuks FM team during the August 2014 intake. Please feel free to reapply during the February 2015 selections.
We thank you for your application and wish you well in your studies and future endeavours.
(Some creepy signature)
Tuks FM 107.2
Folks, let’s rewrite the goddamn thing again, will we?!
Dear Another brick in the wall
Universal pretence dictates that we fake concern when rejecting a deserving guy’s job application. In that case, we’ll just throw you a big “we regret” phrase, and hope that you are stupid enough to think that we give a hoot. You might want to reapply during the February 2015 selections. It’s your pen you’ll use, so you’re free to yet again drop us another application. But know that the same response will be thrown at you. No one fakes the “we regret” phrase like us.
Why would we thank you for wasting our time? Instead of making copies of this generic letter, and wasting ink, we would have seen at least one worthy applicant. And we don’t really care what happens to you after this. We won’t meddle in your business of future endeavours and stuff. It’s your goddamn life and our wishes won’t change a thing.
Kind Regards (The rules of letter writing directs that I end my missive with this sort of vain politeness)
Tuks FM 107.2
PS: It just appeared to us, rejected applicant, that we did not state the reasons for your rejection. We’ll list them in this post script, we have decided:
You happen, unfortunately, to be black. That, in itself, is not a problem. It would be great if you spoke Afrikaans – even a little bit, you know. We have black people here, and they speak a little bit of Afrikaans. Yes, we know that you applied to work in the NEWS department, where English is the principal subject – but Afrikaans would still help in your daily interactions, you know, with the staff, sort of, which is predominantly white.
The reason we called you to an interview was so we could review your English speaking. Never mind the Afrikaans. We wanted to detect that “Private School Twang” that cultured and cool blacks exhibit, you know. Those are the sort of blacks that understand us, man. We went to the same privileged high schools, you know.
Hahahahaha. Forget white privilege! Ever heard of class privilege?!